7 posts tagged “driving”
Just got home from a farewell dinner for a friend moving to NYC. He promises a place to sleep if we visit him. He better not mean the floor.
I didn't think that the one glass of Syrah I drank would inebriate me, but the doughnut I did in the middle of the street and me trying to drive down the wrong way would beg to differ. Kidding. No, I really think it's because I can't drive, and sleepy me was pretending to know how to do.
In other news, dinner was more productive than I thought. I've secured a lunch date next week with a friend who has an equally flexible definition of what the lunch hour is. He is a particular catch, not because I have designs on him, but because I barely ever get to see him! And now I can maybe ask him why he's looked so broken for the last year Would that go over well? Maybe not. I'll probably chicken out. But he promises good Indian food. Huzzah!
I hate deer. I used to think they were cute. I used to adore Bambi even though I could never sit through the entire movie. I was traumatized as a child. This fondness for deer took a huge hit when one hit me three weeks ago. It completely disappeared as of yesterday.
I work on Sundays now. This is to make up for not working on Wednesdays -- it's not compulsory, but my guilt compels me to go into the office. Yesterday it didn't compel me to go in until noon, so I didn't leave until 5. So it was dark enough outside.
I'm driving on the backroads, as I always do to avoid playing highway bumper cars out of rage, and I notice a deer munching on grass to my right. My stomach goes 'zing', meaning I get an ick feeling, like an omen. I am not wrong. Not 30 seconds later, on a different road, two more deer are darting across the road. They're a little bit ahead, so I don't think much of it, but something inside me says, Woman, slow down. I start to brake, but then I think I'm panicking for no reason, but then, another deer comes out of nowhere. I brake in time, about five feet away, and I fucking swear that the sonuvabitch twitched his head to look at me and laugh.
It was his mortality! Has he no shame?! Playing chicken with me is not a good idea! I CAN BE PUSHED TOO FAR! I do not relish the potential deer guts that will be splattered on my windshield should I win one day. That's hard to wash off!
I can't shake the feeling that the deer that banged into me ye fateful day earlier this month spread the word to his little deer friends: fuck with the bitch in the black Toyota. I don't care that there are a million black Toyotas in my area. I'm sure they know who I am.
There will be a reckoning.
But just to recap:
Mea vs. deer: 0-1-1
Bastards.
I have a pear in a bottle! A bottle of eau-de-vie! If I had a camera, I'd take a picture of this thing for you hookers, but alas, no camera. Instead, stolen from the Clear Creek Distillery website:
This, by the way, is important, because I went through the roundabout at the intersection of 23rd, 24th, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and...is that it? It should be it...it sucks. I bet it has a real name...whatever. I don't know it. Suffice it to say that it's a sonuvabitch, like any roundabout, and why it has three lanes...pffftttt. I'm sure this will just remind Wish Bear of the time she tried to describe the traffic circle at the Arc de Triomph to me. PS, I know now why people go to the inner lane. Effing stopping for no reason!
It was an exercise in breathing, and in reminding myself of everything I hate about driving in the city. The constant construction (the scaffolding that shuts down half the road), the one way roads (Hey! That car's going the wrong...oh, that's me...), exorbitant parking garage fees, people honking arbitrarily (even if I am one of them).
I was happy to do so, however, because I was on a mission. I had failed on this mission previously because I was too busy having a rage blackout before dinner to go buy booze. But not this time. This time I'd gone to class, and I had four hours to kill. Why not use that time to get lost and find my booze? I couldn't possibly use the entire time.
Indeed I did not. I only got lost a couple times...through the roundabout. Yeah, I went in circles. However, my reward was poire eau-de-vie. It was a Kindzmarauli. A 21 year old Balvenie. A pretty bottle of limoncello...and many, many more. I felt decadent walking out of there was a box-full of liquor.
However. If my track record means anything, it will be 20 years before I finish any of this. I take my time.
Off topic: I don't know how I feel about my pop culture world and my education world colliding so hard. Case in question? Shilpa Shetty getting bullied by Jade Goody on Celebrity Big Brother UK. Anyone else read about this? See it on Jon Stewart? Yar. It blew my mind the first time I read about it in the FT. That's right. Big Brother UK in the fucking Financial Times. Guhhhh. The fact that it wiggled its way into the House of Commons? Wow. And then to see it again on Jon Stewart? *sigh*
I'm not going to discuss the issue itself...because if I have to engage in a discussion over racism -- intentional, unrealized, the taboo -- I have to open up some of my booty today first. Ain't no way no how that I'm going to view that as a good idea. I'm just saying: the chicken comment was so beyond the pale that that child -- Danielle Lloyd? -- deserved to be punched and more.
I'm going to go recover with sleep now. I have to say, this week has been glorious. I have done exceedingly well with sleeping before midnight. The other night? Fell asleep at 8 pm. Brilliant. I am sleeping champion.
Did you dress up today? See any good costumes?
I didn't dress up, but I did see some interesting costumes:
1) I almost drove off the road trying to see this kid's costume. He was either a T-rex or a duckbill platypus. Either way, full regalia = bonus points.
2) One trick or treater who came up to my friend's door was toxic waste. He'd made himself a barrel and had drippy trashy crap stuck to him.
3) A chick in a McD's cup costume with "I bring all the boys to the yard" written on her. I laughed. Especially when someone didn't get it because they'd never heard the song. Fucking...didn't Kelis's song pollute the world that summer? What rock was he living under?
4) Cutest: a baby dressed as a bumble bee. Why are they so damn adorable?
I went over to a friends to drink, eat, and give out candy. I thought I was okay when I left, but then I took a detour through DC en route from Virginia to Virginia, so I don't know. Although I'm generally a bad driver (literally and directionally), this was above and beyond the normal. And of course I tried to call Wish Bear on my cell while driving down Constitution because she's my 'getting lost in DC again' buddy...and that's not quite legal. Reason deserts me after midnight, apparently.
And also: Shaun of the Dead is a really funny movie. It's another reason to buy this t-shirt.
To the assmonkey bitch that cut me off this morning:
You suck. I know you think you're special, but you're not. What possessed you to cut in front of five people to turn left? Wasn't I trying to turn left too? Weren't there cars whizzing by at 60 mph from the left and no one moving and completely blocking the intersection from the right? I wouldn't have minded if you were directly behind me, because there were three cars making it impossible to turn out, but cut in front of the four behind me? That's just greedy, since I know you haven't been waiting for more than 30 seconds. I've only been waiting for two.
And top it all off, you zoom from behind and try to drive into a Civic. A fucking Civic. And don't be pissed off at him for honking at you, because you fucking tried to drive INTO him, biatch. Even the car that turned after me is laughing at your folly -- maybe more incredulity than anything else, but we shared a look. I love rear-view mirrors. And we both mocked you, because we still crawled at 5 mph when we got on, and you're two cars ahead of me. Well played asshat.
The morning commute sucks. I get it. But everyone else hates it too, you evil hooker. We're all getting to work, where are you going? You appear to be in a tank top and it's not work friendly. I don't see a child seat, I don't see a passenger. The post office isn't open yet, so I'm not seeing anything that would compell you to fucking risk an accident to cut in front of five people and many moving cars that are already agitated. Did you need to do a grocery run? I'd go the other way to the much closer grocery that has the added benefit of having you go against traffic. WHY?!
We live off a two lane road. One lane running north, the other, south. If you fuck up and get in a crash, none of us are moving! I know I'm not the only one who's had to sit for an hour on the gawdawful road because some shithole waste of humanity decided to get creative and take a curve at 80 on the fucking two lane road. So why would you risk it at 7.30 in the morning? I don't want to go to work, but I kind of need to, because I hate poverty more. But now I hate you too.
Just because I don't know you, doesn't mean that I won't remember this slight and cut you in the future, because you're my neighbor, and there are only so many Ford Explorers in a neighborhood where foreign cars multiply like bunnies. It's odd, but I'd never noticed the high volume of German, Japanese and Korean cars in the 'hood until I started to keep a tally of cars I had to hate. Damn you brainless neighbor for ruining my morning!
...I can't escape Starbucks. Four classes in the last three semesters of school have me studying their case. A girl can only discuss corporate social responsibility for so longer before she wants to take a plane to whatever developing country is growing coffee beans and smack them senseless to stop deforestation. Seriously. Do you want to be Haiti?
...Rainy days are the perfect excuse for hot baths, candles and a big mug of peppermint tea. Also good for reading that stack of catalogues you just got in the mail full of gorgeous things you can't afford.
...I understand that I live in NoVa, and by virtue of this, must contend with ridiculous drivers who can't react properly to inclement weather, but I don't have to play nice or give up my right to gesticulate rudely and scream from inside my car. I know you think I'm an aggressive driver because I'm mean about traffic (which to an extent I am), but I'm also just being sensible when I want you to drive close to the speed limit when the other cars in the middle and right lane are going ten over. It is your responsibility to go the speed of traffic. It is your responsibility to get out of my fucking left lane if you can't drive. It is your responsibility to stop the Mini Cooper behind me from riding my ass because they can't see you Sunday driving in front of me. I will cut you. And stop glaring at me because I'm yelling at you. You know what you've done is wrong.
...The rain tried to eat my umbrella again. I like my umbrella whole.
...President Festus Mogae is coming to town, and I get to go see him! I wonder if there will be Bushmen protesting outside? I would kind of feel bad about walking past protestors. I'd also hurt if they threw something at me. But I want to listen to them talk about conflict diamonds. I'm doing research, damn it!
...I changed the summer clothes out of my closet for the fall/winter ones today. A twenty degree drop in temperature over two days will do that to a person. I missed my wool sweaters, my mufflers, my comfy cardigans. I celebrate the cold weather.
I went to the mall because I wanted to buy a new suit. Or I thought I did. I'm going to go see an important person talk, so I figured, most of the bastards there will be in suits, so maybe I should be too. But really, they only expect me to be as well dressed as a normal student. So, I opted against a suit, and decided on business casual, which for me means shameful drooling over sweater vests, crepe wool slacks and crisp shirts. I even found a silk scarf that made me positively giddy. And my dearest Wish Bear, your favorite Banana sweaters were on sale for 16 dollars. I couldn't find any on sale in your size, otherwise I would have purchased whatever there was for you. ^_^
So I was happy when I left the mall parking lot. Happy. I even bought an oatmeal cookie to celebrate my purchases. Which is why I had an above average good disposition when I hit the road, er, the mall road. And that's when the rage built. Because no one today seemed to understand the use of a stop sign. Or, for that matter, the sign that says 'Proceed Without Stopping Into the Mall.' I don't normally have a problem taking advantage of the illiteracy or the stupidity of people coming into the mall, but I was trying not to be a bitch. So go when I let you go! I had just bought nice clothing, and a delightful smelling lemon sugar scrub. All that goodwill destroyed with four two-way stops. TWO-WAY STOPS. NOT THREE! Three way stops do not exist in mall parking lots around my area! (Well, with the exception of one in Tyson's---which is kind of ill-conceived to begin with.)
Guh.
